Sunday, November 12, 2006

When a Woman Loves a Turtle...

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

Okay, this is all kinda weird, but... bear with me.

I've been going over some of my old video games, and doing a little thinking. (It should go without saying that I have too much free time on my hands.) In the early Super Mario Brothers games, the plot almost always consisted of Princess Peach Toadstool getting kidnapped by King Bowser of the Koopa, whereupon Mario and Luigi, the heroic Brooklynite plumbers, square off against Bowser's forces, infiltrate his holdings, and win the Princess back. It's a cliche at this point, and I'm sure a lot of female gamers are bothered by the rather sexist plot.

But let's take a harder look at Peach. She's been kidnapped by Bowser about six times now (Super Mario Bros., SMB: The Lost Levels, SMB 3, Super Mario World, Super Mario 64, and New SMB). Realistically, a woman who's been abducted so many times by the same guy would, I dunno, take some self-defense lessons, carry some mace around, and file a restraining order, but Princess Toadstool doesn't so much as beef up her security (not that the Toads could do much, but whatever). And besides that, look at Peach's record in other Mario games. In SMB 2, she accompanies the Mario Brothers herself in the liberation of SubCon from Wart's evil forces, and latter-day games such as Super Mario Kart, Super Mario Strikers, and (of course) Super Smash Brothers have proven that Peach is indeed a woman of action. Furthermore, the Mushroom Kingdom has been attacked by two other invaders -- Tatanga the Spaceman and Wario -- and neither of them was able to capture the Princess.

All of this has led me to a conclusion. The reason Bowser has abducted her so many times is not because of any particular skill on his part... but because Peach lets him kidnap her! Why would she do such a thing, you ask? The answer will shock you:

Peach is madly in love with Bowser!

It sounds insane, doesn't it? But think about it. Bowser's not such a bad guy. Sure he has a temper (and kickin' halitosis), and yeah, he's a giant turtle, but he's not evil. Bowser's never killed anyone. He's a brilliant military strategist, having successfully invaded the Mushroom Kingdom at least six times. He's also a family man, with eight or nine kids all eager to follow in his footsteps. He's just not very good with relationships, which is presumably why we've never seen his kids' mother, and why Peach inevitably tires of him and aids Mario in "rescuing" her. Then she goes back to dating Mario for a few more months or years before she gets bored with her humdrum mustachioed beau and, as Bowser invades yet again like clockwork, she lets herself get "kidnapped" once more. I doubt either Mario or Bowser is aware of just how seriously she's playing both of them.

But come now, you say. This has been going on for twenty years. Surely someone would figure it out by now. Well, look at Peach's entourage. Mario's a good, reliable, stand-up guy, but he's never been shown to be much of a thinker. (Sure, he's a doctor, but how do we know he even has a PhD? I bet Doctor Mario's a quack.) And as for Toad, he and the rest of his kind are all bred for nothing but servitude, so none of her retainers would have any idea. And of course there's Yoshi. Clearly, the woman intentionally surrounds herself with idiots. It's possible that Luigi knows, though... he's smarter than his brother. But being the shy fella he is, he'd never bring up such a sensitive subject, and besides, he's already courting Peach's sister Daisy, so he has no reason to care.

So there you go. Irrefutable proof that Peach is secretly carrying on a double relationship with both Mario and Bowser. Crackpot though it may seem at surface value, I think I've stated my case succinctly. You be the judge.


#1 Super Mario Bros. Fan said...

Well done. But, Mario is quite a thinker because he does find out about secret warps and finds out how to use his suroundings to aid him in killing bowser. Luigi realizes some things before Mario does, but Mario comes up with the good ideas. He's just a plumber with a younger sibling, yet, he conqers Bowser's empire over and over again. I also woulden't exactly call Bowser a briliant military strategest, but he's a military strategest. After all, he gets pumled by plumbers.

May I Also inform you that Mario and Luigi has killed off most of Bowser's kids? I gues in a way, Mario's the real bad guy. Also, Wario atacks Mario. The other guy who attacked the MK was Smithy, one of Mario's (and Bowser's) greatest foes.

I do see your point, thogh. I agree that Bowser and Peach like each other, and Mario and Peach likes each other as well. I'm glad you wrote that! Maybe that'll get people to realize that he isn't exactly evil. Well done!

Stupid M said...

Bowser's Girl

You are so right, except about Bowser liking Peach. I believe he kidnaps her to lure Mario into a trap to defeat him in battle, but not to kill him, I think. Daisy would never let someone kidnap her without a fight! I think Bowser is so cool, but the Paper Mario games sure have a plot twist on him (weirdly). Paper Mario is the most different out of all Mario games. I think they use it as a excuss for making Bowser like Peach, after all, they are not really paper! No offense Paper Mario Fans. Wonderful point made about Peach though!!!

Stupid M said...

Bowser's Girl

By the way I am a girl and I love Bowser so much, so who ever makes up stupid rumors about Bowser, beware! I personally think he is the nicest villian in the nintendo games. Have you seen what he does in the Mario party games when you don't have any coins, he gives you some! Even Mario and Peach and you know he doesn't have to do that if he doesn't want too! I don't think Bowser dislikes Luigi as much though and Yoshi. Sorry, I still like the point you made about Peach though. She is planning something!(secretly.....)

Filby said...

*grin* I'm glad you like the post. I don't really believe that Shigeru Miyamoto ever had any of that in mind when he created the characters, but it is a fun and interesting interpretation. It's really just a reaction against the cliche, sexist plot behind the whole rescue-the-princess theme.

About Bowser liking Peach, that's from an old Super Mario manga that ran in Nintendo Power magazine back when I was a kid. The reason in the games he keeps kidnapping her is probably just because she makes a good hostage to hold for ransom, but I don't think that invalidates my idea any. ;)

Stupid M said...

Bowser's Girl

(Smile) I am glad to have helped filby because I'm happy that I'm not the only one who thinks that way. Besides, for once I don't blame Peach because Bowser is a amazing man who seems to be trapped in a turtle's body! I have great taste in guys and mmm, I like Bowser soo, that has to tell you something! (LOL)

Stupid M said...

Bowser's Girl

One more thing, don't think I am crazy just because I'm in love with a fictional character! I am sure alot of people feel the same way. I get to love him however I want because he is fictional. By the way, did you know Super Smash Bros Brawl is suppost to come out in December? They finally desided to put Bowser in it! I don't know about Peach or Yoshi yet. Ok I done taking up your space, sorry.

Anonymous said...

Well, I don't think that peach loves bowser
She is in super smas bros, because nintendo thinks that all the girls likes peach (what is not true, daisy is much better), not because she is strong
bowser, really loves her, but she loves mario, and mario loves her.there is a lot of proves of this
and mario is smart, or he wouldn't save peach so many times, but luigi is really smarter
it's possible that peach already loved bowser, because of all that bowser childs, but now she loes mario

Anonymous said...

I Love Bowser soooooooo Much!!!!! I mean, he is sooo SEXY!!!! I Know That you may think I'm Crazy but I don't care!!!! I'am Never ashamed of expressing my true feelings about him (sigh) Bowser is Sooooo HOT!!!!!

Anonymous said...

F*** You Peach!!!! Peach is a F***ing WHORE!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Do you really want to know the girl that Bowser really Loves? Her name is.....................................................................Jasmine!!!!!!!!! She is 10 times Hotter and Sexier than Peach!!!! She has gorgeous dark dark brown hair, she has beautiful brown eyes and wears a very pretty Purple and Red Dress!!!! She is a new character, she is also Peach's enemy She really Hates Peach sooooooooooo Much!!!!!! You want to know how they first met? Well I'll Tell ya because I Made up a videogame where Bowser Plan Goes Wrong and then Mario turns Evil and Locks up Bowser and all his minions in a cage with no one to save him, how horrible!!!! But Jasmine came to the rescue! and fought Mario herself and turned him back to normal and then got the key to Bowser's cage, but when she walked into the room it was Love at first sight!!!! Bowser Loved her sooo much even Jasmine fell deeply in love with him (OF COURSE!) but when she opened Bowser's cage Bowser asked Jasmine, "Why would a very Beautiful girl like you save an Evil Monster like me?" Then Jasmine answered " Bowser, your not an Evil Monster, not through my eyes. After Bowser couldn't believe what she just said and blushed. Next Bowser said "Wow, that is the most nicest thing a gorgeous girl like you has ever said to me!" Jasmine answered "It's true Bowser you are not a Monster at all! and I actually think you are really handsome Bowser!" After Bowser turned red and said "really? Well I think you are the Most Beautifulest girl I've ever seen!" Then Jasmine said "Oh Bowser! Then she gave him a kiss. Then you should of seen the look on Bowser's face when she kissed him Bowser was so inlove with her he forgot all about STUPID Peach! But Then, The Best Part...............................Bowser and Jasmine Had SEX!!!!!!! Bowser would actually try and Rape her, but Jasmine enjoyed every second of it! You can tell that Jasmine really Loves Bowser Especially when Jasmine said to him "Bowser I Love you for just the way you are, I Love every single thing about you and I think you are soooo Sexy Bowser! I wouldn't change anything about you" After that They had the most amazingest SEX they have ever had, they love each other soo Much, they practically have Sex EVERYDAY!!!! And they lived happliy ever after, they even both got married BUT, Something wrong happenened after their wedding, Jasmine was no where to be found. Bowser was devastated and searched everywhwere, but then he found out that she was kidnapped! He even made a Shocking discovery that the person who kidnapped Jasmine was...................................................................... Bowser's long lost Evil Brother, ZOWZER!!!!!!!! Do ya wanna know what ZOWZER Looks like? Well I'll tell ya! He almost Looks exactly like Giga Bowser on Super Smash Bros. Brawl but with black scales. But just like Mario, he defeated Zowzer and got his Lady back and Bowser got a big Smooch from Jasmine, had Sex and lived happily ever after...NOT!Zowzer continued to kidnap Jasmine shockingly just like Bowser did with Peach. But Bowser Always defeated Zowzer no matter what, and finally lived Happily Ever After, THE END! I hope you liked my story (THAT WOULD SOON COMETRUE SOMEDAY!)post as many comments as you like about this story! Written by: Jasmine Burke. I'am only 13! I'm inlove with Bowser forever Baby! and screw you girls that Love Bowser Too He Is MINE, You here ME?! Bowser's Mine! Bye bye!

Patrick said...

I do think that Bowser loves Peach. Mario has had chances I believe to marry or even kiss her but that has never happened. Plus, in Super Mario Sunshine, Bowser Jr. comes to take his "Mama" Peach away and bring her to Bowser. I also don't know why but in Brawl, Peach says Bowser's name. Shouldn't they still be married in later games if thier is no devorce documents?
---Fox Rhea